


This Glassy Surface

by sparkinside



Category: AFI
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-19
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 05:41:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 6,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2801627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkinside/pseuds/sparkinside
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of vignettes featuring various pairings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And In the End We'll Fall Apart

**Author's Note:**

> I was going through my hard drive and found these pieces that I had taken down years ago for one reason or another. I enjoyed them and wanted to share them again.

**Pairing:** Advey  
 **Rating:** PG  
 **Disclaimer:** Nothing in this piece ever happened. I claim no ownership nor do I make any sort of profit from this, other than pride and a sense of amusement.

A soft yawn tumbles from your lips as you run your long fingers through your shaggy hair. Still drunk with sleep, you struggle to pull yourself into a sitting position, your eyes blinking rapidly to adjust to the bright light of morning.

You mumble something about getting new curtains, your tone annoyed, before pushing yourself to your feet. You words pull a chuckle from my throat. The glare from that window always was a nightmare and we still haven't gotten around to getting decent curtains for it. We never were home enough. I love watching you like this. Watching the way your clear blue eyes dart around the room for the t-shirt you'd throw in annoyance the night before.

Mornings were never your thing; especially not before you'd downed a cup of coffee or five. Caffeine has always been your best friend, and upon occasion, your worst enemy. And seeing you before your daily dose of caffeine is a terrifying sight, let me tell you. I've told you this often and each time you come back with a comment about me and my make-up before sticking your tongue out at me. I loved your childish behavior, it was something sweet and unexpected and genuinely you.

Blindly, you stumble into the kitchen, pulling a clean mug from the cabinet. There's still a decent amount of coffee from the day before. "Good enough," you mumble, pouring the dark concoction. I always hate when you do that. Day old coffee was disgusting. Why you couldn't simply brew a new pot I'll never understand. Whenever I ask you about it, you simply shake your head and continue drinking that blasted cup of coffee. You’re worse than me and my eyeliner sometimes.

The soft 'bing' of the microwave catches my attention and yours as well. Without a word, you pull the now steaming mug out, bringing it to your lips. God, how could you drink coffee black? I'll never understand that about you.

With a soft sigh, you settle yourself at the kitchen table, your eyes locking on mine. "Davey," you whisper, bringing a smile to my face. I always loved the way you say my name. It's never sounded sexier or more beautiful than it does falling from your lips. I miss mornings like this. We'd sit here for hours, just the two of us. No bandmates, not bizarre tour schedules. Just us. It was wonderful. "God, I miss you so much."

Blinking, you pull yourself to your feet, silently padding over to my chair, running your fingers over the smooth wood. The shine in your eyes breaks my heart. I could never stand to see you crying, you were always so strong, so together. I was supposed to be the emotional queen.

Slowly, you settle yourself in the chair, no longer bothering to hide your tears. Strangled sobs force themselves from your throat, your body trembling.

I allow my fingers to wander over your shoulders, trying so hard to take away your pain. I never meant for this to happen. It was never supposed to be like this. A shuddering sigh falls from your lips as you wrap your arms around yourself, my name choking past your lips with each sob. I can't fix this, I can't make this better. Nothing I can do will ever make things right again. The sharp sting of my own tears fill my eyes, you can't feel me.


	2. Invitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> **Pairing:** Javey  
>  **Rating:** PG  
>  **Disclaimer:** Nothing in this piece ever happened. I claim no ownership nor do I make any sort of profit from this, other than pride and a sense of amusement.

I find myself twirling the white card between my fingers, the sharp edges now dull and tattered. I've read the words printed across it so many times, trying so badly to wrap my head around them. I never thought I'd be here. I never thought I'd have to face this.

You had always been mine, it was something I could count on. Something I thought would never change. But it has changed. Everything's changed and I don't know what to make of it. I don't know what to think. In all the years I've known you, I never once thought things would play out like this.

Even from the first time we met, you completely fascinated me. I can so vividly remember bumping into you in the hallway and being completely taken back by you. I didn't understand it at first. You were just some kid with dark hair and a goofy smile. Nothing special. You shouldn't have mattered. But you did. You got under my skin. You got to me. It took years before I could even process what it meant. What you meant to me. We were friends, bandmates, brothers in arms, so to speak. But you had always been so much more to me.

It's funny how I can remember exactly when things changed between us. We'd been up half the night, our earlier show having you too pumped to even think of sleep, and we'd found ourselves on the double bed in the middle of the hotel room just talking. I had always loved our talks, we could go on and on for hours about anything. Nothing was off limits, nothing was taboo. It was wonderfully comforting.

You lay across the bed, width wise, your head resting in my lap. A comfortable silence had fallen over the room. It was well past four in the morning and I knew we'd both be paying for our lack of sleep the next day. I watched you shift, eyes locking on mine. You smiled, that toothy grin I could never say no to, and told me you loved just laying around like this. I told you I did as well, and it was true. I'd never felt so comfortable with another person.

"I love you, Jade," you confessed, eyes downcast shyly, your fingers playing with your pajama pants leg. I honestly didn't know what to make of your words. I loved you too. We were best friends. I had fought desperately to banish the little voice in my head screaming that we were more, to me at least, and I echoed your sentiment.

You shook your head, "No, Jade. I love you. I don't want to freak you out, but I want you to know. I just...I'm sorry this was really crappy timing on my part." You pulled yourself from my lap, scooting to your side of the bed. You didn't bother to face me and it hurt. You'd never turned away from me before. Not like this.

An uncomfortable silence passed between us for longer than I would have liked. Your words still refused to sink in. How could you love me? I didn't understand it. A part of me wept with joy that you did and yet, I had never felt more terrified. Unsure of what to do, I placed my hand on your shoulder, trying my best to comfort you. The last thing I ever wanted to do was make you uncomfortable and I feared I had done just that.

"Davey I..." I began, unsure of what to say. You'd thrown me for a loop.

"It's fine, Jade," you told me, shrugging your shoulders, "Don't worry about it." But I did worry about it and I told you so. You were my best friend, and uncertain or no, I knew I cared for you and that I would do anything for you. Anything.

I still can't remember who started the kiss, all I can remember is the feel of your soft lips against mine. The way we fit so perfectly against one another. It didn't matter that I was frightened and unsure, I wanted this. I wanted you. I'd figure out the rest later.

Getting used to the change in our relationship was difficult for me. We'd always been affectionate, but this was so much more now and truth be told, it frightened me. I knew the others could sense a change in our relationship, but they never brought it up. Looking back, I can't really tell if I'm glad they didn't. Maybe if they had things would have turned out differently. Who knows now?

With each passing week, I found myself slowly settling more and more into our routine. We'd cuddle and kiss in the privacy of whatever hotel room we ended up sharing. It was safe, comforting, familiar.

You never pushed me for more, but I could tell you wished we would do more than just kiss. But I couldn't let myself give you more. This was all new to me. Was I gay? Was I bi? I didn't know and I hated not knowing.

Labels didn't matter to you, they never had. You loved who you loved, regardless of their gender. I envied that about you. You were comfortable in your own skin. I never had been. And I hated you for that. I resented the fact that you had everything together. Why couldn't I have been like that? Maybe if I had I would be the one preparing to stand beside you, offering you everything I have. Offering you my love.

But it's too late for that now. I lost everything, I lost you. And this card in my hands, the words printed across it make it all painfully clear. I don't have you anymore. You still love me, I know you do, but not like you love her. I lost that love long ago and I know now I'll never get it back.

The sharp knock on the door frame jolts me from my thoughts. My eyes raise to lock with your dark ones. Despite myself, I echo the grin that sits proudly on your face. "Ready to go? I ask, my voice waving slightly as I place the worn invitation in my pants pocket. You nod.

"Thank you for being here for me, Jade. It really means the world to me. To both of us."

I nod and pull myself to my feet, "Anything for you, Dave. You know that."


	3. Without A Sound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> **Pairing:** Jadam  
>  **Rating:** PG  
>  **Disclaimer:** Nothing in this piece ever happened. I claim no ownership nor do I make any sort of profit from this, other than pride and a sense of amusement.

You’re beautiful when you sleep, you always have been. The way you cling so desperately to your pillow, the shallow rising and falling of your chest with each breath you take, the serenity painted across your handsome features. Everything about you is exquisite.

You always were a blanket hog as well. Many a night I’d wake up shivering only to find you cocooned inside each and every one of the covers. You always looked so innocent buried within the mountain of blankets and somehow I could never begrudge you for stealing them. I would merely chuckle before padding silently to the closet to retrieve one of the spare comforters we store there. I never did have the heart to wake you and steal the covers back.

Tonight is no different. Like clockwork, it’s three in the morning and here I am shivering beside you. Gathering the energy and determination to move, I push myself from the bed and pad towards the closet. The chill of the hardwood floor stings my feet and I find myself regretting not wearing a pair of socks to bed.

My eye catches my reflection as I pass the mirror in the hall. The dark black and purple slowly fades to brownish yellow. By tomorrow it will have faded. No more odd looks, no more weighted questions. Everything will be back to normal. A sigh falls from my lips as I pull the trusty comforter from the closet shelf. I always did love you best when you were sleeping.


	4. Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> **Pairing:** Hunvey  
>  **Rating:** PG  
>  **Disclaimer:** Nothing in this piece ever happened. I claim no ownership nor do I make any sort of profit from this, other than pride and a sense of amusement.

You cling to her, a smile spread across you face; your hands resting on her waist, holding her delicately, lovingly. The way you used to hold me. You don’t bother to hide that fact. It doesn’t matter. None of it seems to matter to you anymore.

Sometimes I wonder what I saw in you. What made me care. What made me so desperate to be near you, to have you in my life. It’s silly really, this childish hope that you’ll realize what you had. That you’ll return to me. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting it, from craving it. God knows I’d give anything to have you back in my arms, no matter what you’d done to me. I’d let you walk all over me and never think twice about it.

You lean in, you lips falling gently against hers. So tenderly. Everyone around you sighs, going on about how perfect you two are together. How right you both look. You blush and smile, thanking them, pulling her closer still.

I pity her. The love in her eyes is real, genuine. I see myself in her, see the way I looked you, the way I clung to you. Is that why you chose her? Because she reminded you of me.

I wonder what she’ll do when you realize you can’t run from yourself anymore. When you can’t keep up with this lie anymore. You know you will. You live in fear of that fact. You’ve gotten yourself so deep in your denial that you’re drowning in it. And God knows I won’t be the one to save you this time.


	5. Weakness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> **Pairing:** Advey  
>  **Rating:** PG  
>  **Disclaimer:** Nothing in this piece ever happened. I claim no ownership nor do I make any sort of profit from this, other than pride and a sense of amusement.

The soft hum of the radio fills the uncomfortable silence of our living room. I pace repetitively in front of the doorway, my eyes never leaving yours. Watching. Waiting.

We do this every week without fail. You just sit there, I watch you, waiting. Hoping this time you will say something. This time you’ll ask me what’s wrong. This time you’ll force me to speak. To tell you. To break the vicious cycle we’ve fallen into.

A few moments pass. Nothing. A sigh falls from my lips. “I’m heading out,” I whisper, hoping that this time you will understand. That you’ll see. “I’ll be back in a few hours.” Why can’t you see?

You raise your eyes to me, nodding. It’s a wonder you can even hear me. I wonder if you actually do. “Be safe, Adam.” You always tell me this. You never question were I’m going, why I’m going. You just nod and let me on my way. I hate it. You always were the trusting one. Never doubting, never asking. It never seemed to matter what it was, when it happened, you never doubted me. Never thought more of it. Never saw anything but a happiness that faded months ago.

Sometimes I would disappear for weeks at a time. You never once questioned it. Asked me why I wasn’t home. Why I was so frail. Why there were always bruises lining my arms. Why I had a cold I never seemed to shake. You never questioned anything. Why didn’t you question this? Question me?

Pulling myself from my thoughts, I find myself standing here, wanting to scream at you. To force you to open your eyes. To say something. Anything. Confront me, scream at me. Make me talk to you. Do something.

You have to see this. You have to see what’s happening. I know you have to. Why can’t you let yourself. I need you to see. I need you to notice. To care. Please. I need you. I can’t face this on my own. Please.


	6. Bury Me in Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> **Pairing:** Junter  
>  **Rating:** PG  
>  **Disclaimer:** Nothing in this piece ever happened. I claim no ownership nor do I make any sort of profit from this, other than pride and a sense of amusement.

It wasn’t love when it started. No certainly not love. Lust maybe. A means to an end. We both got what we needed, no strings attached. It was the perfect arrangement really. Or at least that’s what I thought.

Looking back, I should have known this would never work. ‘No strings attached’ never stays that way for long. Someone always falls, someone always gets hurt. Funny how I never thought it would be me. I never needed anyone, certainly not you. We were friends, fuck buddies, bandmates. That’s all I ever wanted. Just someone to warm my bed, to get me off when I needed it.

I was so fucking stupid. To this day I still don’t know how you got under my skin. When my desire for you extended to things beyond the bedroom. I don’t know how you did it. But you have me completely and that terrifies me. My life, my heart isn’t mine anymore. Why the fuck did you do this to me?

You smile as you turn and walk from the room. Just a subtle invitation, one you know I can’t ignore. God knows I never could. I want this. I want you too much. And you know it. You have to. How could you not? Without a second thought, I follow. You knew I would. I always do. I could never say no to you. Even when my heart is on the line, even if it kills me. I could never deny you anything.

Silently, you shove me against the wall, warm lips crashing against mine, cold hands locking around my waist, colder eyes burning into mine. This is nothing more than a game to you. Cat and mouse in the worst sense and that gleam in your eyes tells me you just caught your prize.


	7. I Would Still Die For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> **Pairing:** Javey  
>  **Rating:** PG  
>  **Disclaimer:** Nothing in this piece ever happened. I claim no ownership nor do I make any sort of profit from this, other than pride and a sense of amusement.

Sometimes I wonder how we’ve gotten this far. I look into your eyes, those dark, stunning eyes I love, and I see nothing. No love, no passion, no feeling. What happened to us? I just don’t understand it. We were happy, in love. Weren’t we?

I can remember vividly the first time we uttered those words. That lazy spring afternoon. We both had class that day, but somehow that didn’t really matter. It was history anyway, it would always be there another day. So we ventured out into the park, laughing and talking about silly things like we always did. I had never felt as safe with anyone as I did with you. And to this day, I still don’t know why.

You smiled at me, that toothy grin full of mirth and a twinge of mystery. The soft skin around your eyes crinkling just so. God I loved it when you smiled. You held you hand out to me, just a subtle invitation. One I took without question. I would have done anything for you. And God knows I still would. Whatever you asked.

With a giggle, you dragged me along the dirt path, ignoring my countless pleas as to our destination. “You’ll see,” you answered knowingly, your pace never slowing. We slowed only when the path before us widened into a small clearing. The shade of the trees painted dark shadows over the grass. It was stunning. You turned back toward me, eyes sparkling. “I knew you’d love it here,” you whispered, pulling me into your arms.

We settled ourselves on the ground, me in your arms, your fingers running through my messy hair. I had never felt so content as I did in that moment. Nothing could touch us then. We were safe. It was wonderful.

The wind rustling through the trees filled the comfortable silence that had fallen over us. You leaned in, kissing my head, a sigh falling from your lips. “I love you,” you whispered, so softly the wind nearly drowned you out. But I heard you, my heart filling with joy. You loved me. I echoed your words, never feeling more alive. I was in love. Nothing could ever be better than this. Nothing.

“Jade?” your voice breaks through the haze of time. I shake my head, pulling myself from the memory. Your dark eyes lock on mine, clouded with confusion. “Where were you?”

I sigh, “Springtime.”

Your hollow eyes stare into mine and I know there is no hope for us. Not anymore. Too much had changed, we were no longer those teenagers in the clearing. What we had has long since passed, now if only I could let it go.


	8. Surely You'll Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> **Pairing:** Advey  
>  **Rating:** PG  
>  **Disclaimer:** Nothing in this piece ever happened. I claim no ownership nor do I make any sort of profit from this, other than pride and a sense of amusement.

His long, black hair clung to his neck and shoulders, his dark eyes slowly slipped closed. His breathing slowly eased as sleep claimed him. Staying here, watching him was a risk, I knew this. I risked everything to watch the way his chest rose and fell, the way his sharp, beautiful face tensed and relaxed as he dreamed. But leaving his side, leaving him, was something I could not contemplate.

This was wrong, I knew it. Being with him, loving him, was wrong. I’ve tried to pull away, tried to deny this, deny everything. I was sent to protect him. To watch over him. Not to love him. And in that respect, I have failed.

A soft murmur fell from his lips as he shifted in his sleep, his face burrowing into my neck. I closed my eyes and let his hot breath wash over me. His long arm wrapped around my waist, holding me against him. Ensuring that I could not slip away into the night, as I always have in the past. I would wait until I knew he was no longer in the realm of consciousness before pulling myself from his bed, from his arms. It was the only way. I could not stay with him, no matter how badly I wanted to. Slipping away, leaving him, was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Knowing that he’s woken up alone, wondering if maybe this had all been a dream, continues to break my heart.

I would give anything to stay with him, to remain by his side, in his arms until dawn. To watch the first rays of the sun wash over his pale skin. To see his dark eyes and warm smile as he slowly rejoins the conscious world. But I knew to do that, to risk it, means I truly would lose him. Lose everything. And I could not do that. I could not lose him. Lose all that I had gained. Keeping him secret, keeping us secret was the only way I could truly keep him.

Taking a slow, shuddering breath, I wrapped my hand over his wrist, lifting his arm from my body. The loss of his warmth hurt, but I could not stay. I knew this. A soft whimper fell from his lips and his face contorted in confusion, but he did not wake. I turned away, unable to look at him any longer. If I did, I would not leave him. And if I stayed, I would bring him more pain than either of us need endure.

Pushing myself to my feet, I walked from the bed towards the tattered blue chair in the corner, where my pants had been tossed earlier in the evening. Locking my fingers around the cool, soft fabric, I sighed. It would be so easy to put them down once again and crawl back into bed beside him. To rejoin the warmth and contentment I found by his side. To throw all caution to the wind and simply stay. But the fear of losing this, losing him, kept me from moving.

Slipping the soft material up my legs and over my hips, I turned back to face him, his dark hair framing his face, eyes softly closed, just the tip of his pink tongue brushing against the silver hoop running through his lip. I never understood the piercing, or anything else he’d done to mark his body. How could one desecrate their body in such a way? With metal and ink? When I asked him this, he simply shook his head and told me it was his way of expression who he was. What he believed. What he loved. The angel wings adorning his back were a symbol of that love.

He had gotten them a few months after we began our affair, as tangled and confusing as it was. Dark, black, flawless wings. My mouth hung open in shock and awe as I first gazed at them. I can remember running my fingers over them, expecting to feel the soft texture of feathers beneath my fingertips. I had looked at him, confusion evident on my face. Why had he gotten these? I didn’t understand. “You’re my angel,” he whispered, running his fingers over my jaw lightly, “I wanted to be yours. To carry you with me when we can’t be together.”

My heart leapt at that. At his love, his devotion. He wanted this just as badly as I did. And it was at that moment I knew that as wrong and as dangerous as this was, I wanted nothing more than to be with him for as long as time allowed. That I would risk everything for him. For us. It was worth it. He was worth it.

In the back of my mind I knew over time he would age, he would change. That he would no longer be my beautiful lover. That I would forever remain as I was. But I did not care. I had fallen in love with him. And love was all I knew.

The soft creak of the box springs under his weight as he shifted in his sleep pulled my attention back to the present. Steeling myself, I turned away from his sleeping form. I could not allow myself to watch him any longer. My resolve was faltering and I could not have that. I could not risk this. We’d gone so long without detection. Over a year. I could not risk this.

“Adam.”

I froze, my eyes slipping closed. He’d never woken. Not before I’d made my way from this room. From his side. I had always believed he’d simply slept through the night, not missing my presence until he’d awoken the next morning. Perhaps I had been wrong.

Swallowing thickly, I whisper a soft “Yes?” in reply.

“You’re leaving again,” he breathed. It was not a question, merely a sad observation of a truth he could not change. A truth I so desperately wished I could alter.

I nodded, unable to speak. I knew what he wished from me. What he wanted of me.

“Please don’t leave me.” His voice was soft, mixed lightly with sleep, and broken. Despite everything I knew, everything I feared, I found myself turning back towards him. His sad eyes locked with mine, “Please.”

My eyes burned with the sharp hint of tears I hadn’t felt in a millennia and I closed them harshly. I should have moved. Should have left. I knew this, my mind screamed it. Screamed of the consequences not leaving would supply. But my body refused to obey.

I stood rooted between his bed, our bed, a small, traitorous voice in my mind screamed, and the door. I could feel his eyes on me, watching me, pleading with me to stay the night. To stay forever.

A shuddering breath fell from my lips. I could feel his need washing over me. He feared I would do as I’ve always done. That I would leave him. My own guilt pounded in my mind. I loved him. Needed him. I wasn’t supposed to need him. A lone tear traveled slowly down my cheek and I made no move to brush it away. He needed me to stay. And I could never deny him what he wanted. Never.

“Please.”

Closing my eyes once again, I felt my will dissolve. He needed me. And I could not deny that I needed him. I was weak. He was my temptation and I could not resist. A shuddering breath fell from my lips. Turning slowly, I made my way to the bed, sliding in beside him, allowing his arm to rest once more around my waist.

His eyes widened, shock, surprise, and then relief and love filling them. “Thank you,” he murmured against my shoulder, his eyes slipping closed once more. I said nothing, allowing my fingers to tangle in his hair. After a few minutes, his breathing evened out, sleep claiming him once more. I laid beside him for hours, simply watching his chest rise and fall, listening to him breathe, before my own eyes slowly drooped closed.


	9. My Heart is the Worst Sort of Weapon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> **Pairing:** Junter/Javey  
>  **Rating:** PG  
>  **Disclaimer:** Nothing in this piece ever happened. I claim no ownership nor do I make any sort of profit from this, other than pride and a sense of amusement.

It's simple really. Just pack my bags and leave. No note, no explanation. Just up and go. No more pressure, no more lying, no more pretending. I could be free. For once in my God damned life I could be myself.

For so long now I've gone through the motions. I've been the funny guy, the best friend. Anything you needed, I've done it. I've been it. No questions asked, no commitment required. I was yours completely.

It didn't matter to me that you'd never see me as anything more than a friend. I'd never live up to his beauty or his grace. You love him, anyone can see it, I'm sure he sees it too. If you say the word you could have him, the only thing holding you back is your fear. I've told you this so many times. On so many nights when you came to me in tears, angry and hurt and so confused. It didn't matter that it was breaking my heart. You needed me, needed to hear it would be alright and to not lose hope. You loved him. You wanted him, needed him. And I wanted you to have that. I needed you to be happy, even if it killed me.

But I can't take it anymore. I can't hide behind a smile, I can't pretend not to care. I hate this. I hate loving you. I don't know who I am anymore. You don't need me, you never really did. Our friendship can easily be replaced, I have no illusions about it. You don't need me. And I can't want you. Not anymore.

I'm numb as I make my way to the closet, pulling my black bag from beneath the mountain of boxes and blankets. This is it. This is really it. No more lying, no more pretending. No more anything. I'm done. Finished.

It only takes a few minutes to gather my things. I don't need much; a few sets of clothing, toothbrush, razor and the handful of items I can't live without. The rest doesn't matter, I won't be coming back for it. I don't need it, not anymore.

Pocketing my keys, I make my way to the door, bag swung over my shoulder. I can't slow down, I can't stop. If I do I'll never leave. If I stop I'll fall apart and I can't have that. I can't stay.

Blindly, I reach for the handle to the front door, yanking it open. Dark, confused eyes stop me in my tracks. Your eyes. Oh God. I can't handle this, not now.

"Hunt, I...."

My hands fly up in protest, "Not now, Jade. Please not now." I brush past you, not bothering to shut or lock the door. It didn't matter.

"What the...Hunt, what's going on?"

I freeze, unable to face you. Unable to say a word. I can't do this. The rough fabric of the bag's handle digs into the flesh of my palm, the weight of the bag pressing into my shoulder. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be doing this.

"Hunter, talk to me. Please."

"No."

"Hunt.."

"No! Dammit, just leave me the fuck alone! What can't you just leave?" the last words fall from my lips as a choked whisper. Your hand falls on my shoulder. I shrug violently away. You can't touch me, I'll cave if you do. I can't cave. I can't do this. "No, Jade. Just no."

Your hand grips my shoulder once more, forcing me to face you. The pain in your eyes breaks my heart. "You're leaving." It's not a question, just a statement of fact. I nod wordlessly. "Please don't leave. Please."

"I can't stay here, Jade. I can't. Don't make this any harder than it is." I pull back from your grasp, adjusting the bag on my shoulder.

You shake your head, "No. I won't let you leave. You can't leave. I need you here. Please don't leave me." Your words are rushed, emotional, desperate. The same wild emotions fly through your eyes.

"I can't Jade." Taking a deep breath, I turn, making my way down the hall. You choked sobs fill my ears and I pause, wanting so desperately to turn back. To take you in my arms. To tell you I'll never leave. But I can't. Not now. "I'm sorry, I love you," I whisper.


	10. Starless Eyes Remain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> **Pairing:** Advey  
>  **Rating:** PG  
>  **Disclaimer:** Nothing in this piece ever happened. I claim no ownership nor do I make any sort of profit from this, other than pride and a sense of amusement.

"What's going on in your head?" You ask, dark eyes locking on mine, burning with concern and confusion. Your eyes are haunting and I cannot bear to look into them for long. Pulling myself from your arms, I sit up in bed, exhaling softly. I can't do this. I can't. I'm sorry.

Your hand falls on my shoulder, the warmth of your touch scalding me. I violently shrug away. "Please don't," I whisper, my voice pathetic and broken. I can't bear to have you touch me. I'm not worthy of such an honor. I don't belong here, in your bed, in you arms, in your life. Why am I here?

"Adam, talk to me. Please. You're scaring me." Your words are like a dagger to my heart. This was never supposed to go this far. You were never supposed to let me in, not like this. You're too good for this, for me. I've known it all along. Why can't you see it?

I feel the bed shift a moment before your arms wrap tightly around me, pulling me against the warmth of your chest. I struggle, desperate to break free of your grasp. Please don't do this. Please. You only hold me tighter. "Why are you doing this to me?"

I feel you stiffen slightly behind me, your grip loosening for a moment. Silence falls over the room. Suffocating. You don't deserve this. I only fuck things up, I always have. You deserve so much more.

"Because I love you."


	11. We'll Call it Even

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> **Pairing:** Javey  
>  **Rating:** PG-13  
>  **Disclaimer:** Nothing in this piece ever happened. I claim no ownership nor do I make any sort of profit from this, other than pride and a sense of amusement.

Jade wasn’t like anyone I had ever met before. He was a paradox really. Outgoing but shy. Flamboyant yet sheltered. And he pulled me in right from the start. I hadn’t been looking for romance. I hadn’t been looking for anything really. But there he was and I couldn’t tear my eyes from him. 

I still don't know what possessed me to approach him or why I actually allowed myself to entertain the idea. He had smiled at me, a warm smile allowing his less than perfect teeth to show. His light brown eyes sparkled as he extended his lithe hand and gave me his name, "Jade Puget." The way it feel from his lips sent a shiver through me and made me wonder just how that voice would sound screaming my name. 

We sat for hours simply talking about everything from our taste in music to the state of the world to what silly trend would find itself growing popular in the coming year. I hadn’t enjoyed myself like this in the longest time. I hadn’t felt so comfortable with another person in the longest time. It was wonderful.

That afternoon we exchanged numbers and a tentative but budding friendship was formed. We spent at least two hours talking on the phone every day and we met for coffee or a movie at least three nights a week. It was wonderful to truly feel connected to another person again. 

This carried on for months and at times it felt like we were dancing in circles around each other. I could tell there was something more coming from him. That he wanted something more from this from us. And I didn’t have the slightest issue with that. It was all I had hoped for. But he never seemed to make a move, never brought the idea up on our talks. Nothing. 

I could see it in his eyes when we spoke face to face. In the way he looked at me, the casual touches, subtle flirting, the hugs that always seemed to last a few moments too long. It was all there, but he wouldn’t say it. He wouldn’t budge. So I did.

We had just gotten back from a local show, I was certainly not the most attractive I've ever been, sweat soaked hair, smudged make-up, but neither was he. He was so beautiful that way. Tousled, wide-eyed and smiling. I couldn't help myself. The kiss was short lived but perfect. His lips were as warm and soft as I'd always imagined them to be. 

He was tense at first, but slowly relaxed into me. When I pulled back, his eyes were lidded and he was slightly panting. God, he was beautiful. We stood in silence for several moments, and with each that passed my unease grew. Had I read him wrong? How would he react?

But my uncertainty was short lived. He smiled at me, that bright grin that made me melt inside, and wrapped his arms around me. He told me he had been wanting that but had been too afraid to try. I smiled back, pulling him into another kiss.

 

From there everything was wonderful. We spent every day together when we could, when work and the daily hassles of life allowed us to. He was everything I had ever wanted; smart, funny (though a bit on the corny side), sweet. We went to shows, movies, everything. My friends loved him. He loved them. It was perfect.

Then things started to change. He grew distant, he wouldn’t talk to me the way he used to. It scared me. He was pulling away. Pushing me away. I didn’t understand it. How could he do that? What was I doing wrong?

I didn’t speak my fears for several weeks. Maybe it was just a phase. He loved me. I knew he did. It would be alright. We loved each other. It had to be alright. But time didn’t fix this. Time didn’t change anything. He grew more distant by the day. I was losing him. I couldn’t lose him.

My entire world came crashing down the night he said we were through. He told me that it was all too much too fast. That I was too close. Too clingy. Too demanding of his time. He told me he wasn’t ready, that he was still trying to figure out who he was.

How could he do this to me? After everything we’d done. The love we shared? How could he throw it all away? I couldn’t let him to that. I couldn’t let him leave me. I loved him. He loved me. I knew he did. We belonged together. Why couldn’t he see that.

I begged him to stay, to reconsider. But he didn't listen. I had to make him listen. I had to make him understand. I still can’t remember how the knife ended up in my hand. But I can remember the fear in his eyes. "Davey," he stammered, "what are you doing?"

I didn’t say a word. If he couldn’t see, I would make him see. He belonged to me. We belonged together. He only screamed once, a low pitiful scream. It amazed me how easily the blade dug into him. How easy it was to stab him again and again. If he couldn’t see, if he thought he could do this to me, to us, then this would teach him. This would show him. I loved Jade. This was the only way. My name was the last thing he uttered before those warm eyes shut forever. Perfect.


	12. Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> **Pairing:** No pairing, Adam-centric  
>  **Rating:** PG  
>  **Disclaimer:** Nothing in this piece ever happened. I claim no ownership nor do I make any sort of profit from this, other than pride and a sense of amusement.

Smile. 

That’s the one thing I've heard my entire life. 

Smile no matter what’s happening. Smile when it hurts, smile when you’re angry, smile even if it kills you. And for years, that was how I lived my life. 

I smiled the day I broke the news to my parents that I was leaving school for the band. I smiled when they screamed at me, telling me just how much of a disappoint I was. I smiled the day I thought the band had fallen through, the day when I found myself wondering what the hell I could do with my life now that the plan I’d thrown myself into had failed. I smiled the day Dave’s voice gave out. The day the dream once again lay in tatters. I smiled the day we reached number one, the day I realized we’d made it and that everything I’d known had changed. I smiled through all the bickering. I smiled through the power struggles. I smiled through the angry words and the harsher actions. I always smiled. Never said a word. Never dared risk testing the shaky foundations everything rested upon. Simply smiled. 

But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t fake it anymore. I can’t push aside how I feel anymore. 

I've tried. Believe me, I've tried. This band, it’s been my life line for so long. It’s as much a part of me as my physical being is. I've spent so many years telling myself that this was worth the anger. That this was worth watching the relationships I've had for longer than I care to remember ripping apart at the seams. But I can’t do this anymore.

I’m done smiling. I’m done wrapping myself so tightly in this lie that even I can’t tell which way is up. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I won’t let me do this to myself anymore.


End file.
